I know I'm not in Houston anymore. I arrived in Fresno more than a month ago and I still feel like I don't know anything about anything. It's like a different country where they all speak English and they look like everyone else. The rules seem to be the same but I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.
The stores are different. I miss Kroger and HEB. I have to go to three different stores to be able to eat for the week. Bread, pita, and hummus from Trader Joe's (yea, I didn't think they sold produce when I first heard the name); water, oranges, vegetables, and cheese from Save Mart (probably something like Houston's Randall's); Sandwich meat, milk, bananas, cereal from FoodMaxx (kind of like the Walmart of the food world). They do have Walmart and Target but that's all they are...they are not the "Super" version. Man, I never thought I'd actually miss that. I have yet to go to the Indian store though there is one rumored to be near by. For now, I've been buying Indian spices and sandelwood stuff at Whole Foods.
It's really hard not knowing where to go to get stuff for the best prices. Last week I had an adventure trying to find this particular exfoliant that is like the next best thing to a miracle. I knew I could buy it online but who wants to go through the hassle and the wait and the Shipping-and-Handling?
In Houston, I had always gotten it at the Whole Foods on Bellaire. I was, indeed, quite thrilled to learn that there was a Whole Foods not too far from here. So I drove there one afternoon after work.
For the life of me, I could not find it! I looked up and down...went around the aisle twice and still couldn't find it. They had other products that were from the same company but not the exfoliant! Aaaah, the humanity! It's the only thing that was saving my face from looking any worse than it already did. I was frantic since I could already see the bottom of jar I had brought from Houston. There was not another Whole Foods nearby. I think the only other one was in another town and I was not about to drive there. So, basically, I ended up ordering it online from TheVitamin Shoppe.
It took a little less than a week for UPS to bring it by which was great! BUT, I was never home whenever they came 'cause, just like any other normal person, I work 8am to 5pm too. So after the second "attempt", I called them to arrange a pick-up. That sounds so clandestine, doesn't it?
8:00 pm to 8:30 pm Friday evening was the time for package pick-ups at the UPS wherehouse, the bright lovely UPS lady informed me when I called the 800 number on the "2nd attempt" notice. I was a little taken aback that she said 8:00pm. Was that normal? Isn't that kinda late?
Even after a month of being here, I'm still a little wary about hanging about anywhere after dark. You'd think coming from Houston, this would be nothing. But you know, in Houston, I knew the places to avoid after dark. Here, I have no clue. However, on the bright side (no pun intended) Fresno has an unholy amount of daylight. The sun doesn't set until after 8:15 pm! Is that a California thing or maybe a Valley thing?? I don't remember it being like that in Houston but whatever, I digress. So, basically, it was not technically "after dark."
As I approached the desolate wherehouse area between Highway 99 and the Golden State Blvd, it was still early. I turned into the UPS gate (one of three) and drove past uniformed men in brown UPS attire who were in various phases of loading and unloading packages from huge trucks. On any other day, under any other circumstances I would have just enjoyed the view but that was neither the time nor place for checking out men in shorts, sweat glistening on their forearms as they bent from the knees to pick up another box....mmhmm...ahem...I digress again.
So I drove on past the trucks and came to a small parking area but a sign warned me that it was employees only. WTF? Where the hell was I supposed to pick up this package? I spotted a security guard scurrying past me. He waived at me in a friendly manner. I waived back and then realized that I should probably ask him what I was looking for. Rent-a-cop or not, he surely know where the customer pick-up area.was. I slowed down and motioned for him to stop by passenger side. The man was straight out of some TV show. He was probably in his late 60s, one or two teeth scattered in a large wide mouth, gray tousled hair and a red jolly-St-Nick face. I suspect he had been imbibing recently or had, at least, previously been addicted to something. His stained, gray uniform barely stretched over his pot belly. However, at that point, for me, he was just as welcome a sight as the real Saint Nick.
After spending what seemed to be an eternity rolling down my passenger window, and slowly cursing the fact that I was so minimalist as not to want automatic windows, I told him I need to pick up a package. He huffed, "Well, I'm headed over to open the gate right now" and motioned his hand vaguely to some area back behind the trucks I had just passed. "Oh okay", I mumbled, thinking he had to flip a switch, and voila, I would be in like Flyn. "Umm, you may want to drive around the block. It may take me some time to get down there." I looked behind me and, sure, enough, taking another cursory glance at this man's gait, girth, and grandeur, I too was pretty sure he would take a while to get down there. I drove around the block.
There were a couple of other cars parked at the third gate after I came back around and a couple of us formed a line at the front door of the side of the building marked , in quite large distinct letters, "Customer Service." Why I hadn't seen that when I first drove by, I don't know. It was probably because I was looking for it.
Anyway, so two guys opened the door and the packages were lined upon the floor behind the counter. One of the guys was named Leon (the other guy called him that) and they were funny. The guy at the counter was sweating profusely. He said something like "this is the most I've sweated all week". Of course, not realizing the context, I wasn't sure if I should laugh. Did he mean that just as he said it? Or did he mean that he hardly gets this many people picking up packages? I chuckled amiably anyway. A chuckle "always means well", I say.
Leon put my package on the counter and asked the guy behind me for his address. Leon looked at the packages lined up on the floor for the same address and could not seem to find that guy's box. "I have a very small package." the guy behind me offered helpfully. Me and my one track mind thought that was hilarious and let a grin escape. Leon saw it. I don't know if he was thinking what I was thinking but he smiled too. There was suddenly a sense of cameraderie there and all because I'm a disgusting one-track-mind perv. I'm a whole bunch of mess. I got my box of exfoliant and went home.
Now this is the part of the story that proves God has a sense of humor. The next day, irony of ironies, I was looking for the Barnes and Noble and noticed a Vitamin Shoppe on the corner. "Oh no." I thought. I went inside. "Please, no" I thought. And there I saw the personal care shelf. "Oh dear lord." There on the shelf were hundreds and hundreds of boxes of that exfoliant. Okay, maybe not hundreds but definitely more than one. And they were cheap. The guy was putting another row of the boxes on the shelf. "Do you need some help, Miss?" he asked and I suddenly had a flashback of the jolly ol' security guard. "No, I'm just looking," I said. I bought a bottle of massage oil and very quietly exited the store. God is hilarious.
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