As of the first of this month, I am 27 years old. I found the old journal entry from 2001 when I was 23 (See April 12, 2001 entry). As you will see, I am totally anti-marriage, anti-family, all that stuff. At the end of the entry, I have made a vow to be selfish for some more years. Now, on the threshold of my thirties, I can honestly say that I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I've done all the things that I wanted to. In my mind, when I graduated from high school, I had made a mental checklist of all things I needed to do before I got married. The list included from pretty standard ones: like going to college, falling in love, having friends that actually give a damn, cooking Kerala food, living by myself, shopping for myself, finding the perfect career choice, etc, to not so standard ones: going clubbing/pubbing, drinking at least once, confidently driving on the highway, having a surprise party, being an officer of an organization, going to a casino, being part of a Walk to raise money, going to Mardi Gras, being part of student government, performing at UH main, etc. Slowly but surely I have checked each of these items off. It's funny but a lot of my list has been accomplished just this year: Confident highway driving, cooking Kerala food, dancing the night away with my closest friends, roadtrip, dressing up to attend a cocktail networking thing, performing at Festival of India.....
There are other things that were on my list but I can't think of at the moment. Hmm, now that I think about it, there are actually more Houston related things I want to do that I still haven't done due to a) lack of time or b) lack of money: Rennaisance Festival, Fourth of July concert downtown, any concert at the Cynthia Woods pavilion, Houston International Festival, attending a musical/play in the theater district, oh yea....and Astroworld. Yes, yes, yes, I know. Lived in Houston 27 damn years and never went there.
Yea, so, the point to all this? I've kept myself so busy in the past 3-4 years that you would think that I would find it hard to sit still. However, it is in the past 3-4 years that I've come to value stillnes, to be able to reach your goals, to be able to enjoy the fruits of your labor. Suddenly, what was valuable in terms of status and success are not priorites. I've learned that yes, you should live life to the fullest and experience every iota of a minute, but you should enjoy it and be able to appreciate the lessons you have learned along the way.
Well, I no longer think living for someone else is a burden or an obligation. I still want to do things but my goals have changed and become more refined.The checklist of my youth has transformed from a list of selfish wants to practical things that could help more than just me. I feel like I've gotten the whole sowing-the-wild-oats thing down. Yes, I could actually get married now. Yes, I could actually have children now. Yes, I could actually have a real service career now. Yes, I'd love to have time to work my writing. Yes, I can actually give back more to my community now. Yes, I think I'm actually looking forward to settling down now because now I can give more of myself. My checklist of youth helped me experience some of my desires and I am a better person because it has helped me focus on the more important things that life holds. I look back on my life and I have no regrets and that is the most important thing I have accomplished. My various lists, plans, experiences, have made me what I am today. I may not be perfect but I do know my faults and know what I need to do to change them if need be.
Oh, and you know what else I've learned? You don't lose your identity in marriageor any relationship, you just enhance it by learning from each otehr.