Doubt

I'm really rethinking my whole move to Fresno. Why did I come here? I thought I loved it but, now, I'm not so sure. I am lonely. I miss my family and my friends. Initially, I thought moving here would be a great way for me to assert my independence. I wanted to show everyone that I could do it. I could live by myself in a place I had never been before. However, I don't think I had completely thought about the consequences.
I've never liked being confined. I don't like to be boxed in and I would travel 1800 miles away from everything I ever knew just so I could assert my freedom. I think that to a certain extent, I was too comfortable at home and that was enough to trigger my cross-country migration. Was it wrong? What's wrong with being comfortable?
I'm in search of something. I can't stay in one place long enough before I go looking for it again. I thought my search was over now that I was here but after the last couple of weeks, I'm not so sure. I feel really sad and very disappointed. I think as long as I search, I will never be happy. But, if what I am searching for is happiness, what then?
A hopeless entry, dear reader. I apologize. The last last thing you needed to see was the stream-of-consciousness ramblings of lost soul.
But, there is light at the other end. All hope is not lost. Tomorrow can always be better than today and I hold onto that thought as day slips into night and I slip into sleep.

Stand Up?

I know. It has been ages since I wrote. In the past few weeks, I have found myself getting over some emotional hangups. Some people learn the hard way I guess. I guess the wake up call just got loud enough. Anyhoo, it's funny because lately, I've been running into people who "used to be nice" and "used to let people walk all over" them. And then they realized they couldn't take it anymore. A person can just take so much before they are face-slammed into reality. I realized that my not being able to stand-up-for-myself-and-others had deep seated emotional implications that I was either too blind too see or not emotionally stable enough to deal with it. However, it was when others started taking it personally that I was forced to face it. DON'T GET INVOLVED/DON'T TAKE SIDES/BE PASSIVE----> psychological safety device or cultural norm?
As a psychological safety device, I have come to the conclusion that I'm a spineless jellyfish who has really low self-esteem and who has no value for itself and thus, is unable to value others. And yet, under normal circumstances I'm selfless and would never try to hurt anyone intentionally even to the detriment of myself. In fact, I'm usually go out of my way to make people feel comfortable. Or is my behaviour a cultural thing?
A handout I got about friendship styles of Americans got me thinking as well. It made me realize that I'm confused as hell. Culturally, I'm of two friendship extremes. The obligatory, reciprocating, all-or-nothing extreme of Asian friendship to the objective, impersonal, minding-your-own-business-ness extreme of American friendship. Damn, methinks, what a place to be caught between. And that was when I thought....hell, i AM a confused desi. Shit. Life sucks. I thought I had the whole world, my identity included, all figured out at 23. In fact, I thought I was going to die at 24 because there was nothing more for me to learn. Sure, on the outside, culturally, I'm a balance--food, clothing, language, people I hang with--but that's where it all stops. Mentally, I'm tangled. Socially, what determines my level of friendship? My American upbringing? Or my Indian roots? I think up until this point, I've been a mix of two--and definitely more towards the American side. Hence, 1. I don't pry into people's affairs: if they want to tell me, great, but I don't badger into their lives. 2. I give advice but ultimately it's your choice to take it. I don't force it upon you. 3. I may see you doing something I don't approve of or something morally wrong but I don't condemn you; it's your life to do with as you please; your decision and ultimately, your consequences. This live-and-let-live attitude seems to color Americans as superficial, uncaring fiends but it is because they do value individual rights so much that independence is considered in the highest regard. It's not that they are not sympathetic or unable to love but it is because they believe it is by letting someone go and nurturing independence that you allow a person to reach self-actualization, i.e. the ultimate level of independent thinking.
I remember how A.S.T, in Bangalore, said that I needed to stop being so impersonal and how Americans, once I returned to America, wouldn't put up with that bullcrap. Alas, little did she know that this was how all Americans were. Ironic, ain't it? Even I didn't know that my friendship, nay, all friendship behavior is culturally designed. I used to have a think that S.C was too clingy of a friend and too dependent and in my own American way, I saw that as a bad thing. She needed to be strong an independent able to stand on her own two feet. I had no respect for her otherwise.
I am not making excuses for myself. I may stand up for the things I believe in by writing but that is not enough. Half the people people in the world either don't read or don't want to read. So how can you be an agent of change if few hear you? I agree that my level of vocal-ness (if that is even a word) is not becoming a person who actually wants to make some positive change in the world and in the lives of the people who have been traditionally oppressed. Being aware is the first step, of course. Not-giving-a-damn-what-people-think is the next step. Lord, give me strength.
Funny, I was so bold and outspoken in Bangalore. Hell, I actually defied the nuns at the hostel and some of the professors at the college. What the hell happened? Self esteem? Returning to a place where I didn't stand out like an bloody American? Being back with my parents? Being financially unstable?
Well, I don't know what the reason is. But, it is a wakeup call and I just woke up.