Statement of Purpose

I am the oldest daughter of an immigrant family from India and, as such, cultural identity as been a key issue in my life. The resolution of my cultural identity has shaped who I am, the career paths I have chosen, and thus, essentially, it has shaped my life and my purpose.

After graduating from high school in Houston, Texas, I was faced with a question that a lot of young people at that age ask: “Who am I?” The answer for me seemed tied intrinsically not only to my career path but also my cultural identity. At this very pivotal point in my life, I decided to study in India in an effort to “find myself.” This one decision completely transformed me and I am who I am today because of it. In a kind of domino affect, it is also shaping my future..

Studying in India not only helped me discover my own talents and potential, it helped me learn that cultural differences are very superficial. In India, I met other students of various backgrounds and realized that underneath it all, we are essentially the same. We all have the same hopes, desires, and fears. This realization influenced my study, when I later returned to the United States, of Anthropology and Cross-Cultural Studies. My academic background, of course, has lead to my current career path in International Student Advising and Admissions.

My motto for being a student services professional is, “I have been there.” I have gotten to the point in my career where I know who I am and what I enjoy in my field. However, I feel that something is missing. While my previous job in Houston and the one currently here at Fresno State are deeply satisfying in that I am helping students from all over the world, I feel that there is so much more I can do for them. I want to help on a deeper level. I have been through what they have and I know that cultural and social adjustment to a new environment can be extremely trying but also extremely rewarding when the internal confusion is reconciled. I want to be able to help students reach that point.

Counseling for me is not just a career choice but a purpose unto itself. I have always been intellectually curious and I believe every experience holds valuable lessons. Every class I have taken has given me more insight as to who I am and that has helped me reach my own full potential. A career in counseling will not only help me others but help myself. My goal is to become a counselor in higher education for students from diverse backgrounds. Ultimately, I would like to earn a PhD in counselor education and specialize in multicultural counseling competencies and research.

Doubt

I'm really rethinking my whole move to Fresno. Why did I come here? I thought I loved it but, now, I'm not so sure. I am lonely. I miss my family and my friends. Initially, I thought moving here would be a great way for me to assert my independence. I wanted to show everyone that I could do it. I could live by myself in a place I had never been before. However, I don't think I had completely thought about the consequences.
I've never liked being confined. I don't like to be boxed in and I would travel 1800 miles away from everything I ever knew just so I could assert my freedom. I think that to a certain extent, I was too comfortable at home and that was enough to trigger my cross-country migration. Was it wrong? What's wrong with being comfortable?
I'm in search of something. I can't stay in one place long enough before I go looking for it again. I thought my search was over now that I was here but after the last couple of weeks, I'm not so sure. I feel really sad and very disappointed. I think as long as I search, I will never be happy. But, if what I am searching for is happiness, what then?
A hopeless entry, dear reader. I apologize. The last last thing you needed to see was the stream-of-consciousness ramblings of lost soul.
But, there is light at the other end. All hope is not lost. Tomorrow can always be better than today and I hold onto that thought as day slips into night and I slip into sleep.

"Alone again, naturally..."

You know, I really hate that song. It's so pathetic and sad. However, I feel pathetic and sad today. Oh, I know why, so I'm not completely surprised. I felt like I was going to do a lot today but it ended up being a complete waste of a Saturday.
I cooked. That was it.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I like cooking but when you cook because you are bored, you have serious issues. I didn't even eat a lot of what I made. That's sad and pathetic, I think. Who was I cooking for anyway?
Blah! Again I spiral into the abyss of self-pity. The plans I had today were post-poned. Not by me, of course.
I know. I should be like the *bleep*ing leaf on the *bleep*ing river of life and go with the *bleep*ing flow. But sometimes, you are, like, "Why the *bleep* am I on this river?"
Sorry. I tend to cuss a lot when I'm angry. I guess most people do.
*sigh* Sorry to vent. I'm sure I'll get over it.

Resolution

I don't typically write on Christmas or New Year's Eve or any major holiday. I am usually celebrating the day with friends and family and, thus, do not have the time to reflect on what it all means. This, of course, is most regretful because the essence of these holidays is not only spending it with loved ones but also spending time to reflect on the past and what you are thankful for.
I am thankful that the year 2007 was a busy one full of trips, travel, and friends. Boredom is, for me, as close to death as you can possibly be without actually flatlining. However, I think that having things-to-do makes you forget that you are actually living. My resolution for 2008 is to reflect more on my journey.
Dear reader, I hope you get the chance to do the same. Happy New Year!

Long Time No See....

My humble apologies, readers. I have neglected you too long. As you may have guessed from my absence, I've been actually having a great time since September: made some friends, took some roadtrips, had stuff to do on the weekends. And, the latest development: I love Fresno.
Yea, I think I was kind of indifferent to Fresno when I first got here and, yes, indeedy, Fresno seemed "different". I wasn't disgusted by it but it wasn't love at first sight either. I wondered how long it would take for me to get to used to the place and the people. My final answer: 6 months.
I wonder if 6 months is the time frame it takes to get used to anything new. But then I started thinking about India. Hell, it took about a year or two before I fell in love with Bangalore and India is my "mother's land."
Anyway, back to the last couple of months. I am now officially 30. It was a sad 30th birthday. No cake except for the one I baked myself and no party except for MP being so kind as to take me out. It sucks when all your closest friends, at least the ones closest enough to throw you a party, are in another part of the country. But, I accepted it like I do most things with an "oh well, fuck it" and had the best time I could with Armenian food and a baklava. It really wasn't all that bad and, besides, in my mom's words, "Being single and 30 IS nothing to celebrate!" Gotta love her.
November was fabulous and a whirlwind of activity. San Francisco was where the conference was and it was my first time there. LOVE at first sight but wouldn't want to live there. The traffic alone would kill me. MP went to Vegas for her birthday. PC visited the week before thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was me on Cambria beach, the sunset, and a Hungry Man dinner. (Side note: Do you think they would ever call it Hungry Person dinner?)
And now it is December already. I fly home on Friday. I got an A in the class I was taking. And the best news of all, I think I'm over "him."
So, it is not necessary that I only write when I'm feeling horrid and miserable and alone. (Sorry, that was a note to self and not to you, reader). However, I argue, if I'm happy, what's there to write about? Sadness brings out such more deeper emotion in me. It seems more pure. When I'm happy, am I really happy? Or is it just a band-aid for the suffering brewing just beneath the surface ready to burst at the slightest poke. Isn't human nature to suffer? How can you be happy if you do not know what it is like to suffer?
Blah, I dunno. I'm okay right now which is why I'm totally skating over this topic. It's the equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling, "BLAH BLAH BLAH, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"
Well, dear reader, we shall meet again. Wherever there is happiness, suffering is not too far behind, is it?

Lost in Fresno: Rain

It rained last week. It doesn't sound like a big deal but it is. It used to rain all the time in Houston. Rain was the norm. Days with total sunshine and clear blue skies were as close to weirdness as you could get.
For the few months that I've been in Fresno, it felt like I was in Opposite Land. It really wasn't too bad at first. I've always been a sunshine person so weeks of the stuff non-stop was pretty exhilarating. But then, weeeks turned into months and the sunshine started to grate on my last nerves: like the phony incadescense of flourescent bulbs. As phonecalls from Houston relayed storm news and non-stop rain, I came to the conclusion that, by some divine ordinance, clouds must have a no-fly zone over Fresno.
All that changed last week. Unexpectedly, a storm popped up and for the first time in months, I had to use my umbrella. It was great! I was so excited! It actually smelled like rain-drenched Houston for a brief moment. Of course, heat and rain do not make a great combination and the day ended on a very humid note.
Every place I have lived has been a rainy place even if the rain was seasonal. In those places flooding is a norm. So, being in Fresno is different. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be in a rainy place. Rain was one of the reasons I left Houston, but every once in a while rain is good.
The rain last week reassures me that Fresno isn't a desert. Yea...I couldn't live in the desert. I think the lack of water really would have me seeing all sorts of mirages. I think my final place to settle down has to be somewhere near water. Sorry, Fresno. As much as I've come to love you, it doesn't look like you are it.

Lost in Fresno: Driving me Crazy

I've been driving since I was 18. I always felt "free" when I drove. There was a period of three years when I had no access to a car and I was in another country and, hence, I couldn't drive. It was unbearable. I felt caged in, trapped.
My car has always been my ticket to freedom. As long as I had my car, I was free to be me and to be anywhere I wanted to be. Sounds like a country song, right?
When I initially realized I was going to end up in Fresno, I knew I was going to drive there. I was going to drive my little green Toyota from Houston to Fresno with a U-Hual trailer hitched up to the back. It sounded plausible at the time. It sounded like a good idea. I could do it. As long as I had my car, I could do anything. Of course, my parental units had a fit.
My parents didn't like the idea of me, their only daughter, driving halfway across the US by herself. I guess I could understand that. But I wanted to drive. It was the essence of "coming of age": leaving home, making that long trek with whatever you could pack in the trunk, and starting over again on your own. I would have so downloaded and played the theme song to the Mary Tyler Moore show because it would have been so apt, so romantic, so how-I-pictured-it-would-be.
Two days of emotion-filled arguments that ended with me slamming the phone down and angrily shouting "I can't talk to you right now!" I had had enough but I was too stressed to continue fighting. I got my stubborn streak from my Dad and he wasn't going to budge. Time was quickly approaching. The moment I decided to give into mom and dad's advice, I felt like I had lost. I know they meant the best for me but in my rage I felt like the powerless 13-year-old all over again. Gawd, they drove me crazy! What pissed me off even more was that my brother seemed to be in cahoots with them. Looking back at it, I see how emotion really does make you irrational. At the time I really did feel like they were trying to control me when in actuality they were just scared. I think my brother summed it up best when he said, "Yea, I know you can do it but just humor them, ok? If you travel like that, that's like 3 days of worry. If by plane, it's like a couple of hours." He made sense and so I finally listened.
So, in the end, I paid some carrier to ground transport my car and I flew. My mom actually came with me with the notion of "Well, if I come, that's more luggage we can bring" but I knew it was really "I want to make sure you'll be okay in that place-we-have-no-relatives." After arriving in Fresno, I was actually glad mom was there. The first week is the loneliest time in a new place. You don't know where anything is. There's too much stuff to establish or switch over. And, you don't have anyone to help you through all that. It wasn't a new concept for me because of my whole India thing but, unlike in Fresno, I was in a dorm there with a hundred other girls in the same boat. Here, I was the only one. I'm not going to lie: it was kind of scary. Mom being there did help.
A couple of days after I moved into the apartment, the carrier called to let me know that my car was now in California. I was happy. Mom and I walked about a block away to meet the truckdriver. He handed me the keys. We got into the car and drove back to the apartment. I was reunited with my little green Toyota and I felt whole and free again. It gave me hope that I had left the craziness behind.