Fall 2008

I was right: Fall 2008 kicked my ass. It kicked it good and it's still not over. Three more weeks and then the week of finals. Aaaargh. It makes me wonder why I decided to go back to school again. I must be a total glutton for punishment. On the other hand, it keeps me busy. It prevents my brain from atrophying. That's always a good thing, I think. However, I don't have much time for anything else. What I'm noticing these days is that I want to write and I don't have time. When I do have time, I don't want to write. How weird is that? Oh well, for now, nature's magic has been my solace these days....

In the summer, I hate Fresno. It's hot as hell and the heat is so oppressive. And, sooner or later, I ask the question, "Why the hell did I move here?" 3 months later, I get my answer: Fall. Fall in Fresno. Glorious Fall. And all is well again. If you ever plan to visit Fresno, November is the perfect time to do it. The trees have donned their fall attire and look glorious. Reds, Oranges, and Yellows fill nature's palette and when the wind blows you're caught in swirl of colorful of leaves. Your car is dappled in the colorful windfall and the parking lots are blanketed in the falling foliage. Nature paints her way into winter with the finesse of a master....

Hmmmm

Facebook? Am I for real?

"Home Again, Naturally..."

I went home to Houston for about a week early this summer. It was a good time to go: the slow season at work, the hot-as-hell-season in Fresno, and the not-yet-hurricane-season in Houston. Anyway, as usual, I anticipated the trip with strange mixture of happiness, fear, excitement, and dread. Home does that to people, I think.

For me, home is a safe retreat from the real world. It is a place I can completely be myself
and get back into the person that had idealistic views of the world. It is a place of comfort and a world of peace. Usually I spend at least one complete day sleeping as if I'm trying to catch up on the sleep I miss being out in the real world. It is only at home I'm completely safe.

On the flip side, all my childhood worries rear their ugly head. My parents' approval regain prominence again. While I want to brag of my latest conquests, I have an innate fear that these are still not good enough. As my parents' daughter, I'm never as good as I could be. That's the worst part about being home. At 30, I'm independent, healthy, happy, yet, according to them, I could be better, choosing better. There are also memories I don't want to relive or talk about or experience again. Houston has that affect on me. I'm afraid I'll see people who knew me once and I'll have to explain the very inadequacies my parents see. Irrational? Yes, probably but, it's obviously an issue I have to deal with.

So that is home. I love the first couple of days and then, after Dad slips up and says something critical, I wish I was back in Fresno....or, for that matter, any place that is not near home. Some would say this is me wanting to escape. My rationale is that it is me removing myself from the negativity. Shit. Am I psycholgically fucked or what? This, of course, is the same question I, amidst a deluge of fresh tears, posed to my brother. He, the closest person to being raised the same way, nodded his head in mock sarcasm with a vehement "yes!" You can't escape family.

So, then I returned to Fresno: sad, pensive but relieved. I know I will always return even if it is to visit but at that moment I'm glad my duty for the year is done and now I'm on reprieve until next year.

L.H. at work asked me if I was starting to see Fresno as home now that I have been here a little more than a year. I didn't hestitate when I said "no". Home is where the heart is no matter how psychologically fucked.

Statement of Purpose

I am the oldest daughter of an immigrant family from India and, as such, cultural identity as been a key issue in my life. The resolution of my cultural identity has shaped who I am, the career paths I have chosen, and thus, essentially, it has shaped my life and my purpose.

After graduating from high school in Houston, Texas, I was faced with a question that a lot of young people at that age ask: “Who am I?” The answer for me seemed tied intrinsically not only to my career path but also my cultural identity. At this very pivotal point in my life, I decided to study in India in an effort to “find myself.” This one decision completely transformed me and I am who I am today because of it. In a kind of domino affect, it is also shaping my future..

Studying in India not only helped me discover my own talents and potential, it helped me learn that cultural differences are very superficial. In India, I met other students of various backgrounds and realized that underneath it all, we are essentially the same. We all have the same hopes, desires, and fears. This realization influenced my study, when I later returned to the United States, of Anthropology and Cross-Cultural Studies. My academic background, of course, has lead to my current career path in International Student Advising and Admissions.

My motto for being a student services professional is, “I have been there.” I have gotten to the point in my career where I know who I am and what I enjoy in my field. However, I feel that something is missing. While my previous job in Houston and the one currently here at Fresno State are deeply satisfying in that I am helping students from all over the world, I feel that there is so much more I can do for them. I want to help on a deeper level. I have been through what they have and I know that cultural and social adjustment to a new environment can be extremely trying but also extremely rewarding when the internal confusion is reconciled. I want to be able to help students reach that point.

Counseling for me is not just a career choice but a purpose unto itself. I have always been intellectually curious and I believe every experience holds valuable lessons. Every class I have taken has given me more insight as to who I am and that has helped me reach my own full potential. A career in counseling will not only help me others but help myself. My goal is to become a counselor in higher education for students from diverse backgrounds. Ultimately, I would like to earn a PhD in counselor education and specialize in multicultural counseling competencies and research.

Doubt

I'm really rethinking my whole move to Fresno. Why did I come here? I thought I loved it but, now, I'm not so sure. I am lonely. I miss my family and my friends. Initially, I thought moving here would be a great way for me to assert my independence. I wanted to show everyone that I could do it. I could live by myself in a place I had never been before. However, I don't think I had completely thought about the consequences.
I've never liked being confined. I don't like to be boxed in and I would travel 1800 miles away from everything I ever knew just so I could assert my freedom. I think that to a certain extent, I was too comfortable at home and that was enough to trigger my cross-country migration. Was it wrong? What's wrong with being comfortable?
I'm in search of something. I can't stay in one place long enough before I go looking for it again. I thought my search was over now that I was here but after the last couple of weeks, I'm not so sure. I feel really sad and very disappointed. I think as long as I search, I will never be happy. But, if what I am searching for is happiness, what then?
A hopeless entry, dear reader. I apologize. The last last thing you needed to see was the stream-of-consciousness ramblings of lost soul.
But, there is light at the other end. All hope is not lost. Tomorrow can always be better than today and I hold onto that thought as day slips into night and I slip into sleep.

"Alone again, naturally..."

You know, I really hate that song. It's so pathetic and sad. However, I feel pathetic and sad today. Oh, I know why, so I'm not completely surprised. I felt like I was going to do a lot today but it ended up being a complete waste of a Saturday.
I cooked. That was it.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I like cooking but when you cook because you are bored, you have serious issues. I didn't even eat a lot of what I made. That's sad and pathetic, I think. Who was I cooking for anyway?
Blah! Again I spiral into the abyss of self-pity. The plans I had today were post-poned. Not by me, of course.
I know. I should be like the *bleep*ing leaf on the *bleep*ing river of life and go with the *bleep*ing flow. But sometimes, you are, like, "Why the *bleep* am I on this river?"
Sorry. I tend to cuss a lot when I'm angry. I guess most people do.
*sigh* Sorry to vent. I'm sure I'll get over it.